Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I'm too high and old for this...
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
