bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Randomize
