She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
