Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
