we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
