Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
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