I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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