So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
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