Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
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