Pregnant stripper...not hot.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
ugly people sure do ruin things
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
