I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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