Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
