I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Randomize
