I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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