it was like his penis was on wheels.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Randomize
