There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I need mimosas to revive my soul
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
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