i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
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