I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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