i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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