you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
