there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize