....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
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