dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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