Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
