Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
