Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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