It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
