thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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