Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
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