I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
