I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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