Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
