someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Randomize