I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
