My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Watching her eat just hurts me
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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