did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
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