Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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