So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
