WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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