i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize
