This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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