the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
