How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
