I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize
