I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
