I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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