He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
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