Life is so much better after having sex.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
