That arnold schwarzeneger picture looks strikingly similar to paul
Not half as good looking as paul
I'd say paul has bigger bicep peaks, but who am I to judge
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Randomize
