wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Randomize
