Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Randomize
