Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
