i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
