The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
