not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Randomize
