just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
