Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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