i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
