yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
You are a genius and a whore.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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