My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Randomize
