Your favorite bartender is back from prision
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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